race car dreams

This week has been a study in ups and downs, emotionally. I’ve gone from sad tears, to happy tears, followed by about a day and a half of mind-numbing boredom and frustration. Then, exhaustion featuring rushes of brief excitement and bright spots of pleasant moments. Nothing major happened, but I can tell you that every day I felt at least 7 wildly different emotions.

Being at home since leaving school for the summer has been odd. Almost an uncomfortable feeling, like a small pebble being in the bottom of your shoe. Not big enough to take your shoe off and shake it out, but a small stabbing discomfort you notice every once in a while. Until eventually you become so used to the feeling that the annoying pebble is forgotten altogether.

What was my purpose now that school was out? I felt both overwhelmed and underwhelmed by being at home. The former in the amount of possibilities, the unscheduled time I had out in front of me. I could literally do anything. But what? And the latter with various responsibilities I felt obligated to do.

It’s daunting to realize that there are moments in your life where you are forced to take a back seat, and simply live without any active events taking place.

This is the first time in over a year where I have not been planning for some Big Change.

Right now, I am excited to be a sleep away counselor in a few weeks. But this next month and a quarter are barren of things, a field growing out of season fruit. It is a good lesson, learning to take a break. It just sucks to take one when it is forced on you. I had a great momentum over the course of the past two years. It feels like going from an 80 mph open highway, to a residential road at 15 mph. It’s crushing when you’re just creeping along, and all you want to do is speed away.

peace and happy thoughts ✌

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